It’s funny how quickly things change. Not more than a few months ago I was considering if maybe I have enough money saved for a down payment on some tiny micro-apartment. And today I had to check my balance to see if I can afford a pack of eggs before the payday tomorrow (I haven’t bought them in the end). A lot has changed for me the last few months. We should all be able to learn from what happens to us. I am now learning, yet again, that this world is not a place for poor people. We’re chasing a carrot on a stick. We’re saving up money that’s worth less and less every day, we’re paying rent that grows faster than our salaries, we’re trying to save up for a down payment on some shitty little place, but someone who already owns 5 will always be faster. Well, I can only blame myself, right? I should’ve owned 6 apartments, so I could buy one more faster than the guy who only owns 5. How to get the 6, you ask? I don’t know, just have the first 5 first, you idiot. Should’ve worked harder, graduated from a better school, invest more wisely, spend less. Maybe I really am the one to blame. But it’s never too late to start over. I haven’t bought those expensive eggs today, so the first step towards entering the real estate market has been made!
As I’m pondering my own insignificance against the big world politics, I’m searching through my kitchen cupboards, to make sure that I’ve eaten everything that I stored there first, before I buy more food. I don’t want to be wasteful, I need to be more responsible with money in those difficult times. Sadly, many things have expired already – their expiry dates are like postcards from the better times, when I could buy food without looking at price labels. Carelessly bought food without thinking about consequences (that’s way I can’t afford an apartment!) Pad Thai noodles – best before June 2021. Japanese golden curry, best before 2020. Good old simpler times! Have I been doing so well during COVID? Cool, maybe this new upcoming recession won’t be so bad either? Then there’s also some very old protein powder. Brings back the vague memory of times when I wanted to build muscle mass. I was doing so well that I had the luxury of thinking about improving my physical shape. How carefree!
I’m looking around my tiny studio apartment in disbelief seeing all the unnecessary things I used to buy to make my life more enjoyable. 55” TV, American made guitar, whole pile of shoe boxes from buying too many sneakers. I used to shop impulsively, because there were always funds on the card. It was never declined, so I didn’t event think about it. If I ever have money to speed again, I’ll be more careful! But there are some things that I would have to buy. A new office chair. The one I’m sitting on right now is so old it falls apart, and it stinks from all the sweat it absorbed over the years. Not nice.
So here I am, sitting on the old stinky chair, looking at piles of books I bought when I still had money and then never read. How to be an entrepreneur, how to fix your personal finances, what’s marketing, how to be creative. Where should I begin my education? It would be helpful to know all of those things. I wonder how many other suckers like me sit in their crummy shitty rat holes, thinking that their life will change after they read a self development book about motivation and grind. That they’ll become real hustlers, quit their 9 to 5, achieve financial freedom, preferably working from home or creating “content”. Maybe create a brilliant start up. I’m aware how unrealistic it all sounds and yet I too like to delude myself. Why? Maybe hope alone makes things better. So, against all logic, I tell myself: no, it’s not that self-help books don’t work. You don’t work! The books are good, but they won’t fix you without your help. They have their value, but you’re not using them right! Three is some truth to it. Enough of it for me to convince myself: self-development books will help me, I just have to start working on it and imply what I learn from them. OK, easy! Let’s do it!
As I watch the markets crash, as I watch my life savings disappear, as I watch my business run dry – I’ll try to improve my life in one way or another. I can still afford to pay my rent and bills, to buy food and bus ticket, I can afford gym membership and a couple of streaming services. That’s a start! Now, where do we go from here. Wake up earlier than everyone, to get ahead. That’s what I read in “The Miracle Morning” and never applied. Cut out social media and other distractions, focus on what you’re doing in long uninterrupted stretches of work, that’s “Deep Work” by Cal Newport. Sounds reasonable. Never done it. It all sounds so obvious and reasonable and yet, it’s so hard to apply it. Too easy to fall back into the old familiar tracks.
I can’t get out of bed in the morning. When I sit down to work (writing or running my small business) I get distracted within minutes. Waking up at 8 seems nearly impossible to me (my day job is afternoon-evening). But it’s not fucking impossible, and I feel like a complete idiot when I fail to do it. I had that thought lately, that maybe it means that what I call “my goals” are not really as important to me as I tell myself they are. Maybe I only have them, so that I can lie to myself that I haven’t given up and settled down? If they mattered I would get my ass out of bed at 8. So, do they actually matter? Should we find out tomorrow at 8?